Have you ever seen that episode of Sex and the City when Miranda is looking to buy her first apartment? As she is touring potential places the realtor asks her if her husband will be joining, and she replies, “No, it’s just me”. And then once she finds her perfect apartment and is signing the papers, the lawyer asks her if she will have a co-signer, and she replies, “No, It’s just me”. And then when she’s moving-in her neighbor asks her if she has a boyfriend, to which she responds, “No, it’s just me”. And then when she finally gets settled in, the home owners association messes up her information, listing her as married, and she has to write them a letter telling them she’s single. Oh yeah, and her neighbor also informs her that the last owner of her apartment was a single woman that died inside the apartment, and it was a week before anyone came looking for her.
During my first solo vacation to Mexico this past month that episode kept replaying in my head because I found myself repeating that line over and over again. I get it: I was at a five-star resort in Cancun designed more for relaxation than turning up, so couples were abound. When I showed up for dinner—by myself—hostesses still asked me if I needed a table for two—with no second party in sight. Every hotel employee that I interacted with from the spa to the bartender asked me where my husband or boyfriend was. No exaggeration—all of them! It wasn’t exactly annoying, it was actually a little flattering if I’m being honest, but it was still awkward. I mean like, what do you say to a stranger who sincerely asks why you don’t have a husband? Especially, when you’re not laying across a couch and they don’t have their legal pad and pen ready to scribble down your inner most thoughts and feelings?
My trip to Mexico didn’t start off being planned as a solo trip, but as life would have it, sometimes plans fall apart. But for me—this wasn’t a trip I was going to just let go. I needed a vacation, and I would have rather gone alone than not have gone at all. But let’s be clear: the fear of travelling alone was real. The night after I booked my trip I woke up, heart palpitating and sweating with anxiety because I dreamt I had been kidnapped. Then two nights before I left I couldn’t fall asleep because of the anxiety. But I told myself: Khris, you can’t be afraid to live yo life girl! And I am so glad that I did. I let the sun bake my stress and epidermis away. I enjoyed two spa days. I relaxed by the pool. I allowed myself to get tackled by exactly three crashing waves in the ocean before I called it quits. I drank a glass of champagne every night before bed–it just seemed like the right thing to do since it was free. And I got to drink so many different types of turn up juice, aka tequila. Fun fact: Did y’all know Mexicans don’t like Patron?
Though I was having a great time I still felt a bit awkward about being alone. Then I met a shero.
Claudette was also a solo traveler who came to Cancun all the way from England. She told me that her family was originally from Jamaica and migrated to England just before she was born. I had noticed that she seemed to be alone when I saw her a few times around the resort, so when I saw her sitting at the pool with an open lounger next to her, I took the opportunity to meet her. We chatted about the drink of the day and then I told her my name and that I had come to Cancun by myself. In a perfect British accent she said, “Me too girl, but you don’t have to say it like it’s a death sentence or something to be ashamed of”. I hadn’t even realized I had said it like that. She went on to explain to me that she had a boyfriend in England but still elected to travel alone. She said she had always been independent and was tired from work and just needed a break. Simple.
If I’m honest I can admit that while I did elect to travel alone, and actually went through with the trip, I was feeling self-conscious about what people thought of me. I too have always been independent, but I realized there are levels to independence. She was operating on level unapologetic. Ain’t it funny how God always leads us to the people we need to find? Those people that validate who we believe we are but haven’t given ourselves permission to be.
I feel so grateful to have met Claudette. I talked to my grandma during my drive to the airport and she said how brave she thought I was for going on a vacation by myself. Her saying that made me feel good, but I didn’t exactly feel bravery was involved in my decision—it was more desperation! I feel like Claudette gave me permission to own my bravery and independence though. I have always been both but I have always felt that I was that way because that’s the way I had to be. I never owned the fact that it’s actually just part of who I am. She helped me realize there’s nothing wrong with going at it alone, even if you’re not alone. An independent spirited person will always be independent regardless of how much they try to suppress it for the sake of whomever or whatever it may seem inappropriate. The first step to synergy is accepting who we are—because most times we already be knowin’, but acceptance is truly that difficult part.
And whether we are independent or not, we can’t wait on people or circumstances to live our lives. We can’t hold out on our hearts desires until our lives look like our particular standard of perfect, or until people are available to keep us from being lonely. I want to be a world traveler. As much as I love being with other people, the reality is I may have to fulfill that dream alone some, or all of the time. What’s important is to learn to be comfortable and fully operative in “the meantime”. You know, that time in-between where we are and perfect. We have to learn to thrive in our reality and pursue what contributes to our happiness, not who we think can make us happy.
Thanks Claudette!
