Once upon a time I was in this relationship. The relationship didn’t begin as a friendship or situationship, it just became a relationship. We met, talked for a few weeks and then presto change: full on relationship status. I was honest with myself then and knew it was a little (alotle) rushed, but when you find a guy who you think really cares for you, is insistent on being with you, and is a good man, you just proceed, right?
In the beginning everything was all good, of course. We talked about fluffy stuff, shared safe stories (stories with low judgement and vulnerability risk), enjoyed spending time together, and thought the best of each other–because that’s all we knew. Months later however we began seeing each other for who we really were and, after we determined we couldn’t fix each other, we basically spent the next six months after that trying to break up with each other.
There is this thing that happens when we luck up on a good man or woman. You know the ones that have a great job, are independent, seemingly responsible, don’t disrespect us, pursue us, text us back, answer their phone every time we call, complement us, seemingly adore us, look halfway to full way decent, and have some type of relationship with God. These are the ones we feel we have to hold on to because that luck may not strike again—and we getting old. So we do hold on to them and have faith that boxes checked are the stepping stones to real love. So we step, side to side, round and round trying to ignore that we really don’t have much in common with them. They don’t make us laugh, don’t make us think; don’t understand us or know how to make us feel special. They don’t encourage us or elevate us, or inspire us. They can’t teach us anything. They won’t accept our feedback, but expect us to change who we are to better suit them because they know they’re a “good catch”.
So we talk to our old heads—the wise ones who know how to keep a man, and some of them tell us, “You don’t give up on a good man. Hold on to him because a good man is hard to find and I just want you to be happy and not lonely.” Translation: You do whatever and change whatever you need to to keep him because all a woman should want and need is a good man to be happy. Mmkay…
Side Note: Do men also get hit with this type of commentary?→ This is a real question. I don’t want to assume that only women are being encouraged to settle…
I found myself thinking: What the hell is folks’ definition of a good man? Is it just a man with a good job that wants you? Is him being good more important than the two of you being compatible? Is Tyler Perry right? My soulmate is actually near destitute with cornrows and will come to save me from the good man. So I do need to hold on to the good man so he can put me out of our house or beat me up and then my soulmate can come and rescue me?
I hear a lot of chatter about folks wasting time on fuckboys but no one ever talks about spending way too long trying to make it work with a good man who is just way too wrong. Maybe because talking about fuckboy fuckery makes for better memes. The truth is, good men can cloud your judgement just as much as fuckboys. You spend your time trying to convince yourself that Auntie was right, good men are hard to find and the evidence is in your Instagram feed, so you just need to stay right there and keep that goodness, and remain slightly miserable, because that’s better than being completely miserable.
You have two options with the fuck boy and the wrong good man: you can follow your intuition and be happy, or change who you are to be with them and be resentful. Notice, I didn’t say follow your intuition and be lonely—I said happy.
The world will lead you to believe that letting go of what they believe is a good thing is tragic. But I believe giving up who you are for the sake of another person is the real tragedy. Personally, I would rather be alone than compromise who I am—but I honestly didn’t fully realize that until I was in the relationship I told you about earlier. #thanks
Alone is not lonely. When we are alone the focus should be on developing ourselves in ways that increase how happy we are with ourselves and eliminating the thoughts and behaviors that make us unhappy. We should be grateful for our alone time because it’s a time of discovery and refinement. Once you’re in a relationship it’s very difficult to reinvent yourself. Keep in mind—nothing new can come into our lives until we are grateful for what we already have. If we choose to focus on loneliness we will just attract desperate, lonely men who are ready to rush into relationships as a remedy to their own emptiness, or fuckboys who remedy their loneliness by fucking.
There are so many good men out there. I’ve realized that it’s just as easy to find a good man as it is to find a fuck boy. The difficult part is finding the right man. Unfortunately, every good man ain’t the right man. People all too often underestimate the importance of compatibility. I think it really is the only thing that can keep two people happy with each other—not just “together”, but actually happy. Don’t settle for someone just because they’re “good”. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to laugh with or be inspired or challenged by your significant other. Everything is right about recognizing that someone doesn’t do these things for you and letting them go. It’s also okay to admit it is hard to give up a good man, but if he’s not the right one it’s necessary.
NEVAH let anyone convince you that settling for someone is better than being lonely. Actually no, that’s a true fact! Being with someone is better than being lonely, but do not misinterpret lonely as alone. Being lonely is miserable and depressing. Being alone is fruitful. They are not the same. You can choose which one you are. Use your alone time wisely and examine yourself, challenge yourself and make the changes you want within yourself. Now, I am no relationship expert (I actually don’t think anyone is, but that’s for another blog post) so I can’t guarantee that this will work, but I do understand the law of attraction. Many times we attract who we are. Meaning, if you are a good woman, you probably attract alot of good men (and alot of fuckboys). But the reason we may be unsatisfied with these men is because we are unsatisfied with ourselves. My hope (crossing my fingers**) is that we manifest our best whole partner by living our best whole life.
What is your definition of a good man or woman, and do you think they are hard to find? Do you think those “good” attributes are more important than compatibility?
My two cents: Great article and perfectly timed for the dreaded cuffing season, where two lonely individuals glom onto each other to in order to have someone for the holiday season. However I want to weigh in on this “good man” ideology. In many cases (most women will NOT openly admit this) women really love being with “fuck boys”. Fuck boys are fun! They usually are the cool neighborhood homey that’s got the hookup to your preferred drug of choice (Weed man on speed-dial). They know all the cool hangout spots, got an in to all the best parties, and never seem too busy for a random late night visit. Women complain a lot, but in truth absolutely ADORE fuck boys. Only thing is fuck boys are unreliable, and what gets women on edge, is that he’s not just Your fuck boy, he’s Everybody’s fuck boy and has more ass coming his way than a college kid has credit card debt. (Side note: Women secretly like this aspect about a fuck boy too! The emotional rollercoaster of infidelity is highly addictive). So most times when you meet a so-called “good man”, he is usually not anywhere as exciting as the neighborhood brother that you are used too. He has a career and aspirations; and probably doesn’t have time to drink, smoke, party, and “come-through” at 2am on a Wednesday like Fuck boy Freddy can. So I just want women to start being honest about what they truly find exciting in a man. And I get that this can change over time. Just giving my perspective…I’ve played both roles.
Ok, I definitely laugh out loud each time I read your comment! I do have to agree that in general we all want a little excitement in our lives, but most women do not want f-boys! Some may because they don’t want a man that serves any other purpose, but I think that’s no different than men that seek out women to satisfy a specific need… An issue that I have come across is that some of these f-boys don’t realize that they are. They are disillusioned and lost in their own sauce. They think because they do technically fit all of society’s “good man” standards they are somehow better than the basic man who doesn’t fit that standard but exhibits the same f-boy behavior. An f-boy/girl is an f-boy or girl no matter how fancy the packaging is. I think people just need to know and ACCEPT who they are. That will reduce alot of the stress and anxiety that comes along with relationships.
Living in ATL had taught me the difficulties of a relationship. The most important difficulties are people not knowing who they are with the combination of not knowing what they want. It’s unfair to love someone when your foundation of self is shaky.
I remember a specific relationship where I wasn’t who I was. I wasn’t in a place to date someone. However, this particular person was a good person. Long story short, it ended badly because I didn’t know what I want. Anywho, that’s my two cents from my own revelation.
” The most important difficulties are people not knowing who they are with the combination of not knowing what they want. It’s unfair to love someone when your foundation of self is shaky.” Real ting!!!